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The Jet Lag Kid
Posted Wednesday, July 02, 2008
I'm slowly working my way through the Jet Lag; walking round my hotel room 'making my feet into fists and scrunching the floor' like John McClane in Die Hard One. I'm not even sure you can 'make your feet into fists' but I'm giving it a try. At the moment they just look like bendy feet.
We flew in on Qantas Air and for the first time (for me anyway) it was a night flight - so wheels up was at 10 p.m. The stewardess's were very strict and had us all in our jammies within 30 minutes 'You're all going to sleep NOW'. You could watch movies and read if you want to - but there was a certain inevitability about the way all the lights got switched off very quickly, eye pads handed out - pilot reading bedtime stories over the intercom. So I slept most of the way to Singapore.Hard to sleep on the plane - don't get me wrong, I'm at the pointy end but it's still a bit like being in a maximum security holding facility, but with cheese and wine and movies - all those people breaking wind into their cushions! No wonder the cleaners wear those masks when they charge onto the plane. They have those big broomsticks for beating the farts out of the passenger seats... it's a tough job.
I shouldn't be allowed to buy stuff when I'm half asleep in the middle of the night with Jet Lag. They let us off the plane at Singapore and sent us to the 'Transit mall' whilst the hygiene operatives board the jet and beat the seats. People are milling around like zombies, getting massages, going on line for free (very good idea) and buying tons of crap they don't need. You get to your destination and empty out your shopping onto the bed, 'Why do I need a Borat thong and a Blue Ray of Samantha Fox live in Belgium?' It's not right - they should make us give them our cash and credit cards before we get off the plane; either that or send security guards with us to stop us buying useless crap - you're prowling the jewellery section, suddenly 'Mr Henry - PUT THE GOLD ANKLE MEDALLION DOWN AND WALK AWAY!' That would be comforting at least.
So Melbourne whooshed by - I was so tired, I barely touched the sides. I did the big show there which is Rove Live. It?s a bit like what Clive James used to do on his show - there are a couple of guest interviews and then he has guest performers who do their own segments. I thought it was pretty spiffy. Rove does a set to open the show, then sort of hands it over to his guests - he is an incredibly generous performer and runs a tight ship - I enjoyed it immensely. I somehow found myself explaining the whole 'Winding' phenomenon at Notting Hill Carnival whereby people hear a great calypso tune and just start winding their hips against whoever?s nearby? Man, Woman, Beast, Undercover cop? I was shaking my wardrobe sized ass at Rove? I'm sure he must think I'm a terrible flirt.
He does this section where he asks you a bunch of questions so you?ll win 20 bucks at the end - and he always ends with Who Would You Turn Gay For?
Apparently K.D. Lang was asked who she would turn straight for - which was a nice twist. For me it was a toss up between Ellen DeGeneres, but that's probably cheating - but in the end, I opted for PRINCE. Come on, he's still got it! Also - he's only little and I could probably take him if he got fresh - 'Back off spunky, go take a cold shower and get back in your bunk - I'm saving myself.'
That might work.
Some radio the next day; Triple M, Triple J, Triple X (that was a good one, you get a free DVD). These are the commercial stations I think, usually with early morning comics riffing on the newspapers and the internet and basically spin comedy out of thin air for the school run set. On the ABC (which is more like Radio 4 or something) it's a bit more sedate, with proper broadcasting types who want to find out about the 'Real Lenny Henry' (Good luck there pal). I did one interview where a very nice chap talked to me for a really long time about New Orleans and Aaron Neville and the Original Meters and the Sissy Strut and Donny Hathaway and Sly Stone - really good conversation - turned out he was prepping me for this show called the Conversation hour. Very enjoyable chat about the show and comedy in general - and the guy (I think his name was Hugo?) got them to play Donny Hathaway's 'The Ghetto' and
also 'Loose Booty' by Sly Stone - quite esoteric funk records for a mid morning, quite conservative chat show - I saw one of the e-mails from some disgruntled punter 'This music's Godawful - I'm switching to ABC News'. HE won't be getting his interplanetary funksmanship badge.
I liked going on the Linda and Dool's (I think that's right) show - Linda is a very attractive Asian woman, about 22 and Dools is this lanky Caucasian guy with bed hair, very skinny, looked like he could do with a good meal. When I walked into their green room I couldn't hear what they were playing, but they were smiling at each other and nodding their heads to the beat. It was a brilliant sight - they were like two mates hanging out in a student bedsit, vibing to a new tune. Probably the most laid back radio show I've ever been on - there wasn't that MAD RUSH that some shows now have where every link has to be absolutely HI-LARIOUS - the pressure didn't seem to be on them to deliver that - they just chatted away about stuff and then plugged the show - but they got several tunes in there that I liked, they even played 99 PROBLEMS by Jay Z in honour of his Glastonbury appearance.
(Not sure what I think about Jay Z's selling - 'I sell crack, I guess I can sell CD's' - and I also can't bear the whole 'Bitch' 'Ho' 'Sneakers' 'N*gga' 'Car' mentality of his tunes - but it did make me laugh that he began his set with a crap rendition of Wonderwall. Noel Gallagher must have shit a brick at that point. Whenever I've met Noel, I've always found him to chatty and funny. I'm not sure where the 'No hip hop at Glastonbury' thing comes from ? felt a bit strange. Good to see Jay Z took it in humour though. I guess the appropriate response would be for Noel and Liam to play T in the park with Oasis and open their set with Big Pimping ' or at least some Jay Z biscuit with the word 'Sun - sheeeeiiiiine' in the lyrics).
Arrived in Sydney yesterday lunchtime and I'm really exhausted now - I looked so tired at the Airport, I heard a little kid shout 'Dead man Walking? after me as I shuffled towards my baggage. 'Git outta here kid , ya bodder me'.
More interviews yesterday and a kind of, quite strict South Bank Show deal that took about an hour and a half last thing. Interesting woman (Virginia something?) went quite in depth and wanted to talk about True Identity's non-troubling of the box office and also the Ricky Gervais thing. I think it went quite well in the end - have to remember that interviews are to plug the show, they are NOT THERAPY. You know it's bad when they say something like 'Just relax and forget the cameras are here - do you want to lie down' Scream - maybe grab that pillow - now pretend it's your Dad.'
Agggghhh! Run away, Len!
Had a nice supper down the road last night with the lovely Maggie Gerrand (our promoter), Dave Luton (road manager) and Ken Bowley (tech maven/AV dude), but it took some going to find a restaurant near the hotel that was actually open. Sydney was not representing last night - everywhere was closed, or closing. After we'd been knocked back three times, Me Davy and Ken started humming 'Dis townis comin' like a Ghost town' under our breaths - I don't think Maggie heard though. There was a fantastic CD playing all night and when I asked that manager what it was she punched it up on her computer - I think it was something called 'Mo Wildness' and selected bits from Buddha bar and Hotel Costes stuff. That's weird innit - when hotels start making their own mix tapes. It's like some mate who's a bit posh, who you don't really know pressing a cassette into your hand back in the day 'Check it out man, I'm really feelin' this selection' you get it home and there's like two tracks you like and the rest is pants. We stayed at this quite posh hotel in Melbourne and the music they played in the foyer was weird. Big orchestral versions of Frank Zappa and Neil Young and Pink Floyd stuff. Very funny checking out whilst some first violinist tries to emulate the guitar solo from Valley Girl'
Anyhoo. Better get ready - today's the massive press day for 'Where You From' - there's a ton of interviews to do and I've got to be on my feet, breakfasted and caffeinated and thinking in the next hour or so.
Speak soon.
Len
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