Little is known about President Umbukelele but these Foreign Office briefing notes were left on a photocopier in Rymans and found their way into our hands.

Retains power by virtue of his one hour Christmas message – with props – to the nation. His political broadcasts are always the highest rated programmes across Africa and are looked forward to in much the same way as Morecambe and Wise were in the seventies.

President Umbukelele has endeared himself to his people by erecting over 10,000 statues of the entire cast of the Carry On films.

(Note to PM: Avoid mention of Jack Douglas – The president hates him, finding his antics "Over elaborate and repetitive.")

DISLIKES

United Nations – (Always confuses the simultaneous translations with the voices in his head)

Chile, Italy – (Suspicious of long thin countries)

Bees (No further information available)

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